Week 1 Part II

I just couldn't resist doing part II. You guys deserve it.

The league averaged 96.42 pts per team this week. The high was In Russ We Trust with 126.54. Biggest blowout belongs to Kaeptivating. The average margin of victory was 15.76. Half of the league won their first game. I heard saw the Patriots Superbowl interception 1,000xs and heard about deflate-gate 1,000xs

Almost the Move of the Week: Persian Lives Matter Picked up the Miami Defense. Somehow he knew that they would be marginally better than Detroit. However, he then dropped Tyler Lockett who would score 10.8 pts on CautiouslyOptimistic's bench...

Let's start with the biggest blowout of the week - Kaeptivating vs Mysterious Meat. The key to this matchup was Kaep's team actually showing up. Neither QB really made an impact and Gronk's monster game was almost matched by Julio Jones' monster game. The RBs were nothing special for either side. Meat's WR1 D. Jackson went out in the first quarter with a hamstring injury scoring 0 pts and Tampa's kicker failed to get on the board as well. Kaep's WR1 Landry put up 14 pts, while his stingy defense Baltimore put up 17.8. Do the math...

• Kaep won by 39.08 points. Last year Week 1's biggest blowout was Breathtaking Ruin vs Pippa Hills. Pippa lost by 47.02. 

The defending Champs, Mustache Salad, had a difficult time with Wataaaaah!, but due to the unforeseen TE A. Seferian-Jenkins from TB. We should have known! Cameron did some deep research and found this bold prediction. But honestly, Mustache had better QB and RB performance...  so you'd think that would carry him. However, none of his WRs found the end zone. Oh, I did fail to mention that Cleveland's defense was piss poor for Mustache - 1.80 pts. That was nice of them. Wataaaaah! on the other hand had a monster game from his defense with 23.3 pts. 

• Mustache dropped his first two last year. I wouldn't sweat it. Wataaaaah! will do his best not to repeat what happened to him last year... Opened with a W and then dropped his next 11. 11 straight. 

In the most boring game of the week, Bayo'wolf and CautiouslyOptimistic tried their best not to win with each scoring less than 80 pts. The key difference in this truly offensive struggle was the TE position (I KNOW I SAID THE TE DOESN'T MATTER AND I AM A FOOL!). Greg Olsen, trusty reliable, Greg Olsen. Damn you Olsen. 1.2 pts?! Wolf benefited greatly from Mariota's career day (no matter what would've happened it would have been a career day...) catching one of the four first half TDs. 

• Dez Bryant didn't do much before he broke his foot. It looks like Wolf will have to insert Percy Harvin into his lineup. May not be such a bad thing as Percy had 17.3 pts. 

In a highly anticipated matchup with the a seasoned and salty vet, even the Assistant Commissioner, Luchesse's Cousin vs one of the big time rookie's, who likes to party, StraitOuttaGronkton. Both teams should be excited about their backfield as both their RBs scored over 42 pts combined. Neither Luck or Bradford, as chance would have it, would show up. The WRs looked... bad... Gronk had a total of 5.5 pts. Luchesse had 10.1. Great work, fellas. 

• Thankfully, the difference in this game wasn't the TE! It was the defense and the kicker. Yes, the kicker. Bryant put up 17 pts while SF Defense, which by my count lost three all pro starters smoked AP and Teddy - 15.6 pts. Do the math. No? I will do it for you: 17+15.6 = 32.6. Margin of victory? 110.92 - 85.24 = 25.68. Looks like everyone in fantasy matters.... I hate fantasy. 

At this point I want to be done doing this. I am sure this is full of grammatical errors and no one is going to read it. But I just can't quit. 

In Russ We Trust and Cobra Kai was almost all that it lived up to be. Surely this is when we would see Calvin Johnson light up the score board. No, he did not. Doug Martin would do live up to his hype and the size of his legs. Nope, it would not happen. Cobra looked so promising. Big Ben had a decent game. You know Murray would play well and the icing on the cake would be Eifert going for 23.3 pts. Another freaking TE. It was all for naught. Russ had it locked up with a wild game in St. Louis. Despite the loss, Seattle's defense would recover 3 fumbles, return one of the fumbles for a TD and return a kick and a punt. That's just how the cookie crumbles in this here fantasy league. Wild indeed. 

Somehow. I can't even. Somehow, mokes-a-lot (you really should stope smoking it will kill you) beat Rolling Gazelems despite... Oh, this is great, despite Manning putting up a whopping 5 pts. You tell me Manning puts up 5 pts I take that beat all day. I go all in. There would be something prophetic in the way that Rolling Gazelems lost and which could be the theme for this week, a TE won the game. I skipped church to watch the Chiefs and the Texans. "That's a weird game to skip church to watch," you say. I say,"Only God can judge me. I am supporting my fellow teammate. I need to live vicariously through him." And somehow Kelce and Alex Smith just rip apart the Texans defense. It was just sickening. It looked like a bunch of children out there. 

Finally, the barn burner, Tuesdays w/Megatron vs Persian Lives Matter. We are almost done. Hang in there with me. I'm struggling too. What can be said about this game? Better yet, what can't be said? A TE did not decide the game! Point me. I tell you what can be said, WRs.. PISS POOR for the empire of Persia. Not as bad as Gronk, but pretty bad. Like 7.2 bad. His kicker scored more than that. Hey, kickers are an integral part of fantasy. Don't mock them. 

• Tom Brady accounted for 36% of Persia pts and 45% came from his Def, TE and Kicker. Ancillary players. The interesting part about Tuesdays is the concentration of points. Three positions accounted for 79% of his points. His QB, WR, and RB. Between his Def, WR1, and Kicker he scored 0.8 pts. Tuesdays is a gamer and got away with the closest margin of victory with 2.8 pts.